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| I've stop purging for awhile now (and no, I don't mean the bulimic type of purging). What I mean is, I've stopped dishing out my shit because my current life does not give me the time of day to even eat properly, sleep properly, or catch a breath of air--let alone allowing me to deal with my personal life issues.
Up until this past Thursday, I couldn't remember when was the last time I've actually dealt with my own emotions. I've been so concerned about others, caring for others' futures and current state in life, that I've completely put my shit on hold.
I broke down at work on Thursday. It was the first time where I could no longer hold in my anger and frustration. The school was asking for a tedious request from me, and that pushed me over the edge. I cried like I would use to cry front of my roommates after months of bottled up emotions. I unleashed everything (well, as much as I could), saying things that I would normally just keep to myself. It wasn't until then that I realized how long it's been since I've actually shared with someone my "true" feelings about anything (well, besides the daily rants about work with my co-workers). So much has been going on with me personally. However, I didn't realize it until that day because I've been working like a high-speed train, going at full force, working my ass off until I crashed. Even though purging out my frustrations at work helped to some extent, I still feel like "throwing up."
I've always had crap in my life, and with the help of Christ, I've always had no problems facing them. However, back in the States, I at least had the time and the people around me to deal with it. Now, I have neither. There's absolutely no one around me that can understand me completely and make me feel 100% comfortable enough to put my guard down.
I miss home. I really do. I miss my friends, my family, I even miss Downers Grove.
I miss my house. I miss my car. I miss my park.
I miss having long conversations with my girl friends (I miss you guys so much that I am even using the word "girlfriends"). I miss having random family meals at my relatives houses. I miss sleeping in the same room as my sister and throwing things at her in the middle of the night to stop her from snoring.
I miss the cool breeze and the orange/yellow trees of fall, the piercing wind of winter, and the warm fuzzy feeling I get when sipping a cup of hot chocolate in front of the fire place.
Yes, I miss home. However, despite the fact that I'm terribly homesick and that my job sucks the life out of me, I'm really grateful and pleased for being where I am in life. If I had not left Downers Grove, I wouldn't have met the people I've met, been as intrigued and inspired as I have been, and loved working with kids/teens as much I have in the past year or so.
I came to Taiwan not knowing what I wanted to do with my future. Now, it's becoming a bit more clear to me. My hope is, by the time I'm done with Taiwan, I can go back home with a concrete plan, a clear direction, and a great vision to push me forward and actually make an impact on the people around me. As for now, I shall continue to try to live life in such a way that would show, and allow me to share with others, my passion for kids, my heart for education, and my love for Christ. | | |
| Still haven't gone to bed. I am tired, but I'm not willing to go to bed just yet. So since I'm not going to bed, here's a quick and brief update of how I started my year:
January: quit a job for the first time in my entire life, moved out of my studio, and spent Chinese New Year in Sun Moon Lake for the first time in...about ten years.
February: moved to a new city, started a new job (teaching at a high school), got a car, found an apart, and my mom moved in with me (which as been surprisingly great).
March: Survived a months worth of hard labor at my current job, temporarily settled at a local Taiwanese church, and still finding a way to make it through my first semester of teaching without making too many "first-year teaching errors."
So that's a quick synopsis of what I've been doing over the past two and a half months.
More details to come (of course, when I have the time)!
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| This entry is anything but cathartic. Nonetheless, it does the trick. For now, I'm just going to have to seattle for this.
For anyone who has gone through the American education system in the last twenty some years, the academy award winning film, Dead Poets Society, is usually not a movie you miss out on. As your English teacher tries so hard to guide you through analyzing the story and drawing meaningful conclusions about its connection to life, the only images that really stuck with you are the ones where Robin Williams does he usual thing--using his silly sounds and movements to play the role, Mr. Keating. Of course, there were those defining scenes where he whispers the words, "carpe diem," into his students' ears in the hallway, and when the students all stand up on their tables shouting, "O Captain, My Captain" as Mr. Keating takes his leave in the finale. These two inspiring scenes where meant for students to have their transcendental moments, and come to the realization that there is actually more to the words on the pages of their books--there is life!
Five years after watching that movie for the first time, never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be in the same position as Robin Williams, or I should say, Mr. Keating. Like Mr. Keating, I too am an English teacher. I do happen to teach literature. And, I am currently teaching at one of the most rigorous, and of course, most wealthy schools in Taiwan. While educational philosophies have changed dramatically since the late 1950s, which was the time setting in the film, I find myself facing similar situations and students in my classes as Mr. Keating did in his. The school I'm teaching at is very demanding--both on the students and the teachers. Although our methods are different, the goals are the same. Academic achievements are shown through test scores, and extra-curricular activities are just a means to get into the best colleges around the world.
The students at my school come from different cities. Although not everyone lives at school, but the ones that do, well, they are locked up in that institution 24 hours a day, usually 5 days a week. You're thinking, nothing unusual for a boarding school, right? Well, listen to this. Classes start at 8am. The students living on campus must wake up on time for a self-study period (which is basically study hall) at 7:30am. Afterwards,they have classes all day, which usually runs till around 4:30pm. Most students will take an elective, which is usually a SAT, TEFOL, or IELTS exam prep courses, that goes from 4:45ish to 5:30pm. For those who live at school, they get about half an hour to eat dinner (those who do not live on campus hurry to their next destination for the day, evening cram schools). Then, they squeeze in a mandatory "nap time" from 6-6:30pm so that the students will have energy to study in their assigned classrooms from 6:30-9:00pm. You might be asking, when do they have time to do extra curricular activities? The answer is Thursady afternoons after lunck. Students that joined a club would give up their afternoon break time to do their club activties for about an hour before the next class.
It's all kind of amusing and crazy at the same time. There's so much more to write about. If I only had the time. There's a lot that's been going on with me. Unfortunately I've bearly had the time or energy to do anything, let alone writing a blog entry. Today is differnt though. For some reason, I feel the urge to write an entry. It's 2:24am and I am not exhausted like I usually am on a weekend after a gruesomely long week. I say gruesome because I start my weeks with a crazy Monday (arriving at school around 7:30am and leaving around 8:00pm), writing 5 different set of quizzes and homework assignments throughout the week, and trying to keep my sanity in tack at the same time. Yeah, I'm tired.
I'm no longer making sense (I'm not sure if I was making any sense in the first place).
Good night!
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| I find it funny how things turn out some times. I once hated English. Now, not only do I have an English degree, I'm an English teacher. Yup, I got a job today! What is also ironic is that I'm going to be teaching kids, little kids at that. Why is that ironic? Because I intentionally majored in English so that I wouldn't have to work with kids! That was not the only reason why I switched, but it was "a" reason. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE kids! I really do. I just didn't think I had the natural talent to actually work with them. I don't really know how to communicate with kids, at least not like some people I know. I'm not sure if the job is going to be long-term, but you never know. The school also has a cram school with older kids. So I might be able to work with those kids in the future. I still don't know which "career" I want to pursue or what it is I want to do with my life exactly, but I'm beginning to think that it should not be a big concern of mine, at lest for now. Living here has changed my perspective a bit. I'm beginning to see that life does not necessarily have to be a certain way, and that alternative life styles aren't a matter of better or worse, but just different. Besides those people living the hustle and bustle of city life, most people in Taiwan live quite candidly. Actually, simple is a better word to describe the general life style here (although, there are certain things that they are much more open about). This kind of simplicity is quite different from the States. I'm not sure how to describe it. Even though the life style is simple, the culture is quite saturated, and complex. Taiwan is young in many ways, but it is packed with a rich history that clearly governs the way things are today.
As an American, there are many things happening here that I don't understand. And for the most part, people are understanding of my situation. However, I am constantly being reminded of the words that my uncle said to me upon the first day of my arrival. He said, "Now that you're living here, you have to learn about and act in the ways of our culture. You cannot use your American perspective and live here with your American ways."
It's been challenging living here, interesting at the same time. Racial discrimination, classism, gender identification, all of it takes on a different shape here. It's like I've been thrown into a social and cultural jungle, and all of the sudden, I'm suppose to know how to act and behave. People don't see me as an American here. At work, I'm suppose to be as "American" as possible so that the parents would not doubt the "authenticity" of my English skills. And when I'm outside of work, I'm suppose to be fully Taiwanese despite of the hesitant expressions on people's faces because I don't dress very Taiwanese.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I just needed to dish out some thoughts that's been preoccupying my mind these days. I have more, but it's already taken me a long time to type this entry out. So I'm done for now. Peace out! | | |
| Yup, I'm back to the Xanga world. I was a freshman in college when I started my xanga page. Now I'm in my first year of post-college life. So I guess it's a good time to start this up again.
Today is my eighth day in Taiwan. The first five days were quite eventful. I was in three different counties and five different cities. I rod on the Taipei MRT buses and subway for the very first time (WAAAAY better than Chicago's CTA system. I heard it's ranked 3rd the world). Of course, I've been also eating incredibly amazing food. Too bad I don't have a camer, otherwise I would post pictures. Besides traveling and staying in Sun Moon Lake, not much else is happening. I am learning a lot though about trusting in God and waiting on the Lord. There's still a lot of things ahead that are uncertain--where I'm going to teach, live, and most importantly, where is God going to lead me to do His ministry. I have 82 days before my visa expires. Unless I get a work permit, I need to head out of the country for a few days and then renew my visa. So I'm also on a time limit. Reading Proverbs, Psalms, and Matthew have been helping me focus though. As long as I continue to seek God's kingdom and His righteousness, there's no reason for God not to provide me with all the thing I need to live here. I hope I'm seeking Him though because, to be honest, sometime I feel like I do not have a clue with what I'm doing. Life has been challenging since I graduated. Not simply because I haven't found a job, but because I haven't had a definite moment where I knew what direction I was heading towards. Instead of applying for jobs, I spent the whole summer trying to decide where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, and once I had finally made a decision, I thought everything would fall into place. Of course, that is not how things turned out. God is stretching me, which is always a good thing. The difficult part is trying to figure out why I'm being stretched, which area in my life do I need to be stretched, and where is God trying to get me to. I hope I figure it out soon. | | |
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